


i once was blind, but now i see

by great_big_worm



Category: Banana Fish (Anime & Manga)
Genre: Denial, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Past Rape/Non-con, but ash is ace, doctor lying about doctor-y things, if i make this a series it might matter at some point idk, not that it matters rn
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-01-19
Updated: 2021-01-19
Packaged: 2021-03-17 10:01:26
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,567
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28847217
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/great_big_worm/pseuds/great_big_worm
Summary: The title of this fic is inspired by the song "O Children" by Nick Cave and the Bad Seeds.Eiji talks about an experience he had during his childhood like it was nothing. Ash doesn't know whether or not to explain to Eiji that what he went through was sexual abuse.
Relationships: Ash Lynx/Okumura Eiji
Comments: 6
Kudos: 123





	i once was blind, but now i see

He said it like it was nothing.

He said he was sexually abused like it was _nothing._

_Ash hated talking about his own childhood. Aside from the occasional tale about his brother, he was tight-lipped about parts of his past that Eiji hadn't already been around for. Not that he had anything to hide. He just didn't want to wind up using Eiji as a therapist instead of a... boyfriend? Something like a boyfriend._

_But then came Eiji with his stories. Stories about how his mom put him into all kinds of sports when he was young because he was so hyperactive, and that once he finally settled on pole vaulting, he ended up getting all sorts of injuries like sprains, pulled muscles, the occasional fracture if he fell the wrong way. "Thank God for Doctor Fukushima," he mused, "he was like a wizard. I never ended up with an injury that he couldn't fix in minutes."_

_"That's good. I ought to thank him when we go to Japan for keeping you in one piece for me." Ash said. Eiji's face suddenly flushed a light pink._

_"I did sometimes get... you know... but he said it was fine. Something about certain muscles at work. It was embarrassing, though."_

_Ash deadpanned. "I'm not following."_

_Eiji frowned, gesturing to his groin._

_"Oh. Like you'd get hard?"_

_"No, I'd... don't make me say it, it's embarrassing!" The black haired boy huffed. "Certain nerves connected to my... you know! And he'd have to touch it sometimes to fix sprains more quickly. You're going to make fun of me, I'm done with this conversation." A grin settled on Eiji's face as he pushed himself up off of the couch. "Want to order in tonight? Or am I cooking?"_

And then he just walked into the kitchen with a spring in his step, like the conversation they just had was normal. Playful, even.

Like he didn't even know.

Ash followed him, taking a seat at the table warily. "Eiji?"

"Hm?" He hummed, face stuck in the refrigerator. "Yes?"

"This Doctor Fukushima, did he have other patients?" He kept his tone casual, relaxed. To his horror, Eiji shook his head.

"He was retired for a long time before I became his patient. There was never really anything on paper, but whenever anything happened on the field, my mother would drive me to his office straight away. I knew him _way_ before I started competing, though. He was good friends with my grandmother."

How old did Eiji say he was when he started competing? Eleven, maybe twelve? This man knew him before then. _Way_ before then.

"And were you close with him? Before he became your doctor?" _Keep calm. Keep it laid back._

Eiji grinned, something that would usually make Ash feel safe, protected. Now it made him want to vomit.

"My grandfather died before I was born, so he was like a surrogate, you know? My mother said she used to be concerned because I was spending so much time with him, she thought I'd start calling him 'dad' or something."

 _If only your mother was just a tad more worried,_ Ash thought powerlessly.

Eiji must have decided that the conversation was over and done with, because suddenly he was pulling spinach and cheese out of the fridge and saying something like "Hey, should we make chicken with this? I'm sure there's chicken breast around here somewhere," but he couldn't be sure because the ringing in his ears was piercing and his head was rumbling and-

A firm hand rested on his shoulder. Eiji's face was twisted with concern.

"Ash? What's wrong? You're scaring me."

Even when _he_ was the one worth worrying over, Eiji still managed to make it about Ash.

Did he wish that he could remain blissfully ignorant of his own trauma? That he could remember it, but think of it as something else? Absolutely. And he would rather that for Eiji too. But there were two reasons that this could not happen.

Some day in the future Eiji _would_ realize what had happened to him, and would be furious with Ash for not telling him sooner.

And Eiji's retired. Which meant this Doctor Fukushima had no reason to see him _intimately_ anymore. He would just find another young boy to abuse, if he hasn't already, and Eiji would blame himself for it.

Ash sucked in a breath. "There are no nerves in your genitalia that could fix a sprain."

His words were met with wide, unfocused eyes. "What?"

"There was no reason _medically_ for him to touch you like that. That's not how you fix a sprain." Ash tried to keep his voice steady. "Doctor Fukushima sexually abused you."

Eiji cast him an irate stare. "I thought _you_ of all people would know not to joke about that."

Joking. _Joking._

Ash could see the cogs in Eiji's brain turning with impressive speed. Like he was piecing together a puzzle of every visit he'd ever had with his doctor, analyzing every action and gesture until finally, a tear trailed down his cheek.

"Are you sure?"

Typical of Eiji to ask Ash if _he_ was sure of the other boy's memory. 

Ash nodded.

"Fuck!"

Ash knew better than to get in Eiji's way as the older boy flew into a hysterical rage. Plates smashed into the wall with a harsh _crash!,_ cupboards were thrust open only to be jarringly slammed shut again, all while Eiji _screamed,_ something deep and guttural, less like he was angry with the man who had done this to him and more like he was angry with himself. 

And suddenly he stopped. Slumped with his back to the cupboards, practically ripping the hair from his head with inhuman strength. Ash watched as the boy he adored with all of his person picked up a plate shard with trembling hands.

"I knew, I _knew_ it wasn't right. I knew it! And I didn't want to look it up because I _knew_ I would discover something I didn't want to know." Eiji didn't acknowledge Ash as he took a seat next to him on the floor, keeping a careful eye on the piece of glass that looked close to digging into Eiji's palm. "And so I figured if anyone would know, it would be you, but I didn't just want to say 'I think I was groomed' because you would freak out, and-"

"Hey, give me that before you hurt yourself." Ash held out his hand, and Eiji immediately passed over the sharp shard.

"Sorry."

"Oh no, continue. Break as much stuff as you need to. We can always replace plates." He tried to produce a smile, but he could hardly turn his lips up enough to make his face look neutral. If he actually showed Eiji how furious he was with this doctor whats-his-name, Eiji would _absolutely_ think the anger was directed at him. 

A few moments passed where neither said anything. Then, without warning, Eiji launched himself into Ash's chest, releasing heavy, painful sounding sobs as he soaking through his partner's t-shirt. 

"I'm so stupid. _I'm so stupid."_

"No you're not." Ash maintained. "You were groomed."

"So were you! Yet _you_ were still smart enough to know it wasn't right-"

"No, they told me what was happening, more or less. It's still _grooming,_ but I never trusted any of those men. You trusted your doctor." Ash tried to explain. He _did_ trust one, the very first man who took advantage of him when he was just a child, but he lost that trust immediately after the assault because little league coaches weren't supposed to do that kind of stuff. But to an unsuspecting child, with a doctor who'd spent _years_ building that trust saying it was normal? Ash could see himself being fooled by that, no question about it.

Eiji went limp in Ash's arms.

"I don't know what I'm supposed to do now."

Ash carefully positioned Eiji so that he was looking directly at his face, his jade green eyes to Eiji's chocolate brown. 

He hated even having to ask Eiji this, especially knowing that it was more for his peace of mind than it was for Eiji's safety.

"You aren't thinking of hurting yourself, are you?" 

The black haired boy looked taken aback. He took too long to answer.

"No, I'm not."

Ash decided not to push it, but knew he wouldn't be letting Eiji out of his sight for the next little while. 

"I guess we're ordering take-out, huh?" He didn't get any reaction out of Eiji with his attempt at a joke. Not that he expected one. No, they'd just opened up a gigantic can of worms and it was going to take a lot more than a few ill-timed wisecracks to fix it.

For a while the two stayed there, saying nothing, with Eiji working up another round of sobs every so often. It was okay. Even though the sound of Eiji in distress made Ash want to personally fly to Japan himself to take care of that disgusting excuse of a man in the most, painful, over the top, _disgusting_ way possible, he shoved those thoughts aside because he knew that _he_ wasn't the one who needed comforting right now. 

Loud snoring drew his attention to the boy cradled in his arms.

Eiji was fast asleep.

Ash figured that dinner could wait.

**Author's Note:**

> Wait I really enjoyed writing this and I might make it a series idk


End file.
